May It Be
by Little Miss Violet
Summary: “But should the angels call her much sooner than we planned we will brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.” MerDer.
1. Blue

**TITLE:** May It Be.  
**AUTHOR:** Little Miss Violet.  
**RATING:** PG13.  
**DISCLAIMER:** Anything you've seen on the TV doesn't belong to me.  
**SUMMARY:** "But should the angels call her, much sooner than we'd planned, we will brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."  
**PAIRING:** Derek/Meredith.  
**SPOILERS:** All of seasons 1, 2 and 3 are fair game.  
**NOTES:** I live in England (and even then English is only my second language) so my terminology may be lost in translation sorry for any confusion. Reposted to correct some mistakes that were annoying me. 

**_1. "Tear a star from the sky and the sky feels blue, tear a petal from a rose and the rose weeps too."_**

Standing at the edge of the beach Derek ran his hand across his face, 4 days of stubble had made his skin rough, rolling up his trouser legs he walked to the edge of the sea allowing the cool water to wash over his feet.

Reaching into his pocket Derek pulled out a large white envelope, pulling out the papers held within he ripped them into tiny pieces before scattering them in the ocean. Screwing up the envelope he threw that in too before taking a step further into the water.

"Do you really think that's the answer," Addison said as she stood behind him.

Derek turned to face her. "What are you doing here?"

"I got your message," Addison told him.

Turning around again Derek watched as the small pieces of paper floated on the water. "I forgot about sending that."

"Probably because you were under the influence of half a bottle of scotch at the time," Addison reminded him.

Derek took a step further into the ocean. "Are you sure it wasn't whiskey or brandy because scotch hasn't been the only thing helping me sleep at night."

"Derek-"

"Is this that bit where you tell me that life is worth living, that all I have to do is find the rainbow after the storm and it will all be hugs and bunnies again?" Derek asked.

Taking a step towards the beach Addison took off her shoes, heels weren't exactly the most appropriate footwear for the beach. "No but it's the bit where I ask you what's going on. I haven't spoken to anyone from Seattle Grace for 3 years and then out of the blue you leave a drunken message on my phone and Mark calls, he wants to warn me that you're heading this way and will probably turn up on my doorstep, drunk, suicidal or more than likely both. Only that's all he would say so maybe you can tell me what is going on?"

Turning around Derek looked up to where she stood. "I just want it all to end."

"What to end?" Addison asked.

"Everything," Derek sobbed falling to his knees.

Walking to him Addison kneeled down next to him, not caring that she was ruining her designer outfit, right now Derek was in pain and he needed her and despite everything between them she would be there for him. "Derek what happened?"

"There's nothing for me anymore," Derek cried.

"You have your career, your friends you have-"

"Don't say her name," Derek pleaded, his voice more broken than Addison had ever heard it before. "Please don't say her name."

Addison reached out a hand to comfort him but before she made contact something inside her stopped her from closing the gap. "Did something happen?"

"I … I … It … I just need a place to stay," Derek asked.

Knowing she wasn't going to get anything out of him in his current state Addison helped him to his feet. "Ok. You can stay in the spare room but in the morning we're going to talk."

"No talking," Derek muttered. "Drinking, just drinking I need to drink I … I'm too sober I need … do you have any alcohol?" Derek asked only just making sense.

Addison shook her head. "There's no alcohol in my house."

"No alcohol?" Derek asked.

Again Addison shook her head. "No. I guess I just haven't had a chance to go shopping."

"Then lets go," Derek suggested.

"Go where?" Addison asked.

Stumbling up the beach Derek stopped at the edge of the sand. "To get some alcohol."

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Addison asked as she watched him struggle to get his bearings.

"No," Derek stuttered.

Pushing him in the direction of her car Addison shook her head. "Well I do."

"When it stops hurting then I've had enough," Derek told her.

Opening the door to her car Addison helped him get into the passengers seat before making sure he was strapped in. "It's not the answer Derek."

"No but it's helping me make it through the day without putting a gun to my head," Derek mumbled as he closed his eyes and prayed for the oblivion of a dreamless sleep.

**GA-GA-GA**

Once helping a near comatose Derek get settled into one of her spare rooms Addison pulled out a bottle of red wine that she was pleased had been hidden from view, pouring a glass she took a long sip before picking up her phone and dialling his number.

"Hey," Mark answered, turning on his bedside lamp and leaning against his headboard.

Putting down her glass of wine Addison switched hands. "What the hell did she do to him this time?"

"Hello Addison it's nice to speak to you too," Mark yawned.

"Cut the crap Mark I know you know so just tell me what's going on with Derek?" Addison asked.

Mark blinked rapidly trying to wake up more. "It's not my place to tell you."

"Since when has that stopped you, it wasn't your place to sleep with his wife but that didn't stop you," Addison reminded him.

"That was a long time ago," Mark sighed.

Picking up the wine Addison took a sip. "Derek he's-"

"A mess," Mark finished for her. "I know," he sighed, everything that his best friend was going through affected him in a way that he had not thought possible.

Taking another long sip of the wine Addison mentally berated herself for not leaving the £200 one of a kind bottle of Merlot until a special occasion. "Last I heard he and Meredith were getting married, what happened? What did she do to him?"

"What makes you think she did this to him?" Mark asked.

"Because she's the only one with the power to hurt him like this, he would do anything to make her happy but she, well it doesn't always work both ways," Addison explained.

Mark laid down against his pillow holding the phone close to his ear. "It's been 3 years people change you don't know anything about their relationship or what went on between them."

"But you do," Addison said.

"But it's not my place to say," Mark reminded her.

Finishing her glass of wine Addison put the empty glass down. "Mark-"

"When Derek is ready he will tell you but don't push him before he's ready," Mark warned her.

"Why?" Addison wondered.

Mark put the phone on speakerphone. "Because that's not what he needs. And Addison don't blame Meredith for this."

"Give me one good reason why not?" Addison asked because right now her friends was in a state and past experience told her that only one person had the power over him to hurt him this way.

"Because right now she's in just as much pain as he is," Mark cryptically answered. "Only she's a lot better at hiding it than he is."

Addison nodded. "Ok I'll take your word for it."

"And Addison?" Mark sighed.

"Yes?" Addison asked.

Mark closed his eyes. "Be there for him, even if he does his best to push you away and spends 24 hours a day drinking himself into a stupor and throwing all sorts on obscenities at you to drive you away don't let him because he needs people around him."

"I'm not going anywhere," Addison promised Mark.

"Good," Mark smiled as he hung up the phone, turning his light back off he hoped that Addison would be able to reach Derek because everyone in Seattle had tried and failed.

GA-GA-GA

Waking up Addison stretched out her arms, sitting up she realised that she had fallen asleep on her couch and it was when she spotted the bottle of empty wine that she realised why. Then it all come back to her, finding Derek on the beach, helping him home and the phone conversation with Mark all of which had left her more than a little confused.

Creeping upstairs Addison slowly opened the door, surprised to find the bed empty she jumped when her front door slammed shut.

"Where have you been?" Addison asked.

Derek motioned to the sweaty t-shirt, shorts and running shoes. "Is the outfit not a bit of a giveaway?"

"You should have woken me," Addison told him.

"Sorry I wasn't aware I had to check in," Derek replied.

Addison shook her head. "You don't but after the state I found you in last night I was worried."

"I'm sorry," Derek apologised. "I'm sorry about last night but it was a wake up call I needed and it forced me to make a few decisions."

"Like what?" Addison asked.

Derek opened her fridge, took out the carton of orange juice and poured himself a glass, downing it in a few large gulps he put the glass in the sink. "Like I need to get away from Seattle."

"What does that mean?" Addison questioned.

"It means that I think the sunshine might do me some good, so I'm going to apply for some positions here or somewhere like here, look for a place to rent and move on with my life," Derek explained.

Addison was worried about how quickly Derek had come to such a decision. "Do you think that's a good idea. What about Seattle?"

"What about it?" Derek asked.

"It's your life, you have a career there you're the chief of surgery you can't just walk away from that and you have a wife-"

Shaking his head Derek interrupted her. "Not anymore, those little bits of paper floating in the ocean last night, well they were divorce papers, my next step is to phone my lawyer and I'm going to get her to send me another copy, then I'm going to sign them and move on."

"Derek-"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore but seeing as I'm here I would like to see where you work so how about when I've had a shower and got changed why don't you show me around the practice?" Derek asked.

Remembering what Mark said about not pushing him Addison nodded. "Ok.

"Ok," Derek echoed as he picked up the duffle bag that he had rescued from his car this morning after finally remembering which bar he had left it outside.

As she watched Derek head up the stairs Addison poured herself a glass of orange juice. "Mark had better be right about this," she muttered to herself.

GA-GA-GA

Entering the practice Derek found himself amazed by what a different world it was to Seattle Grace.

"It's different," Derek observed.

"You don't say Sherlock," Addison teased.

Derek found himself smiling for what felt like the first time in months. "It's so calm."

"You won't be saying that when you meet my partners," she warned.

"Well I already know Naomi and Sam," he reminded her. "So no surprises there."

As she made her way towards her office Addison almost bumped straight into Cooper who was holding the hand of a young girl who couldn't have been more than 2-years-old.

"Hey," Addison smiled. "Whose your friend?"

"I'll introduce you to mine if you introduce me to yours," Cooper teased.

Addison nodded turning her attention to Derek. "This is Derek Shepard."

"Ah the ex," Cooper smiled. "Well this is Mary Stevens she's a patient of mine who thought it would be a good idea to put one of her mums earrings in her ear, like right in the ear."

"Ouch," Addison cringed as she turned her attention to Derek who appeared almost catatonic as he watched the little girl, her dark curly hair bouncing around her face as she shuffled restlessly her green eyes full of boredom. "Are you alright?"

Derek shook his head. "I need some air," he gasped running outside with Addison quick behind him.

Addison found Derek sat outside on a wall. "What's happened Derek?" she asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

"She's gone," Derek muttered.

"She's not gone," Addison told him. "You haven't signed the divorce papers yet you can still save your marriage."

Sighing Derek closed his eyes. "There's nothing to save. Not now, we tried, we really tried but she can't look at me because when she looks at me she sees her."

"Sees who Derek?" Addison asked.

Derek felt his breath catch in his throat. "It's all my fault."

"Did you cheat on Meredith?" Addison asked trying to put the pieces together.

"No, that would be easier, maybe if I had we could still find our way back from it," Derek said his voice close to tears.

Addison sat down on the wall next to him. "Then who does she see?"

"Imogen," Derek said, the word coming out as a sob as he said her name out loud for the first time in months.

"Who is Imogen?" Addison questioned him.

Derek took a series of deep breaths just to remind himself he was still alive because talking about her made him feel like dying. "Our daughter."

"I don't, I didn't know you had a daughter, no one said anything but then I haven't spoken to anyone for years," Addison rambled.

Derek closed his eyes as he pictured her green eyes, they had been so full of life when she had first been born, but then the image changed and they were full of pain, her tiny features were distorted in agony as she struggled to breath, her lips turning blue as Meredith screamed for someone to help her.

"For 7 months 1 week 3 days and 14 hours we had a beautiful baby daughter, she had my facial features but her eyes were the same colour as Meredith's, she was perfect and she was ours, we were so happy," Derek stopped to catch his breath. "But then she started to get sick and no one could work out what was wrong with her, she was 7 months old when they figured it out and there was nothing anyone could do, there was no treatment so we …"

"Derek," Addison whispered tears streaming down her face as she heard the raw pain in his voice, she could never even begin to imagine the pain he was going through.

"We took her home, to the house we built together for our family, we took her for a walk by the lake and showed her pictures, we read her stories and told her how much we loved her, 9 days later she died in Meredith's arms," Derek sobbed.

Addison brought her hand to her mouth to try and stop herself from sobbing too. "I'm so sorry."

"I lost my daughter and now … now I've lost my marriage," Derek sobbed as he stood up and began to follow the path away from the practice, he had no idea where he was going he just knew that he needed to be alone because the only 2 people he wanted by his side were gone, his daughter was dead and in the moment she had stopped breathing his wife had stopped living, pushing him further and further away until she could push him no more.


	2. Loss

**_2. "Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly."_**

Taking a deep breath Derek made his way up the path to Addison's house, knocking on the door he shifted nervously on his feet as he waited for her to answer.

"I was starting to get worried," Addison told him as she let him into the house.

"Sorry," Derek apologised.

Leading him into the living room Addison sat down on the couch. "Derek about-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Derek insisted, cutting her off.

"I know you probably don't but drinking yourself to sleep everyday isn't doing any good either," Addison pointed out.

Derek sat down on a large suede beanbag that Addison had brought during a moment of impulsiveness a few weeks back. "I lost my daughter and my wife turned in to a ghost, no amount of talking is going to change that."

"What … what was wrong with Imogen?" Addison asked.

Derek winced at hearing her name said out loud, when she was here with him it used to make him proud to hear people speak her name but now it was like a knife through his heart, it was like someone was taunting him with what he couldn't have. "She had type 2 Gauchers."

"That's rare," Addison whispered, she knew very little about it just that it was an extremely rare inherited condition which meant that the child wouldn't make it past their first birthday.

"That's why it took so long for them to diagnose it," Derek breathed.

Addison closed her eyes. "I bet she was beautiful."

"She was the most beautiful baby ever, everyone said so, she had large green eyes and a tiny little red mouth, she had a cute little button nose, she didn't have any hair but you could tell that it was going to be dark and curly like mine," Derek cried. "And when she smiled …"

"Do you have a picture?" Addison asked, hoping that getting him to talk about Imogen would help him start to deal with losing her.

Derek shook his head. "I did have one in my wallet but I got pick pocketed in a seedy bar a few days ago."

"Oh," Addison said, not knowing what else to say.

"Meredith has all the other pictures," Derek added.

At the mention of her name Addison hoped that perhaps that would mean Derek was ready to talk about her too. "Is Meredith … Is someone with her?"

"She says she doesn't need anyone, that she's alright on her own, but then that's what she always says, I wanted us to get through this together but she pushed me away, I tried not to let her but she wouldn't stop, she just wanted to carry on like it had never happened," Derek explained.

"Maybe that's just her way of dealing," Addison suggested.

Derek shook her head. "That's the thing she's not dealing at the … at her … at the funeral she didn't say anything and then when we got home she bagged up all of her things and then the next day she was a back at work, whenever I tried to talk about her she would change the subject and tell me that she was gone so there was nothing to talk about."

Addison watched as Derek fiddled nervously with the strap of his watch.

"I needed to talk about her but Meredith closed off, it was like I was living with a ghost or a robot, she just went through the motions of living, but she wasn't living, I tried but in the end I didn't have the strength, Meredith moved in with Cristina and I … I started drinking and then the divorce papers came and I lost it, I couldn't take anymore. In the space of 6 months I went from having everything to having nothing," Derek cried.

Listening to the pain in his voice was breaking Addison's heart. "She'll have to start dealing with it sooner or later."

"It took her nearly 30 years to deal with her father walking out on her, I'm not strong enough to wait 30 years for her to start dealing with this. I need my wife back, I need to know that I'm not the only one that's hurting, I need to know that she misses her too," Derek said his voice getting more and more desperate.

"Derek-"

Standing up Derek started to pace back and forth across Addison's living room. "I need to know that I'm not the only that can't go to sleep without dreaming about her that someone else wakes up in a cold sweat hearing her cry and finds their arms physically ache with the need to hold her again."

"Sit down your making me dizzy," Addison asked.

Stopping Derek turned to face her. "I was a good dad."

"I know you were," Addison assured him.

"And I'm a good doctor," Derek said as he began his pacing again.

Following him backwards and forwards with her eyes Addison nodded. "I know."

"Then why couldn't I save her?" Derek asked his eyes full of pain as he stopped pacing and turned to look at her.

"There was nothing you could have done," Addison reminded him.

Derek shook his head. "What if she had been diagnosed earlier, I mean we're doctors we should have been able to figure it out, in the end it was an intern that suggested Gauchers, we were her family we should have known."

"Being a doctor doesn't mean you can save everyone," Addison told him. "You did what any parents could do, you fought for her and then when the diagnosis was made you made her last days as peaceful as possible," Addison told him remembering what he had told her about how they had taken Imogen home.

"They thought it was neurological to start with and I know it sounds wrong but I wish it had been, I wish it had been something that I could treat or that anyone could treat, no one wants their child to be sick but if they are sick you want it to be something that you can make better," Derek cried as he sat down on the floor hugging his knees to his chest.

Not knowing what to say Addison watched as he sat down, his leg shaking with the adrenaline that was rushing through him as he tried to make it through another day without his daughter.

"Meredith looked even more beautiful when she was pregnant," Derek whispered. "The extra weight looked good on her and she couldn't stop smiling, even though she was terrified most of the time she sailed through the pregnancy and the labour and the first 8 weeks were perfect but then she started to get sick, little things at first like not putting on weight and being sick all the time, the paediatrician diagnosed reflux but then she started having cyanotic episodes and seizures, every test they did came back negative until the bone marrow aspiration they did to check for Gauchers."

Addison sat down on the floor opposite him. "I don't know what to say."

"She had a craving for southern fried chicken, some days it was all she would eat I used to have to practically force feed her fruit and vegetables and the other essential food groups," Derek smiled as he thought back to Meredith's pregnancy, his train of thought jumping from one thing to the other.

"How much did she weigh?" Addison asked.

"8 pounds," Derek smiled, "Can you believe that something so big came out of my tiny little Meredith. She was in labour for 44 hours, she was amazing even if she did curse me to hell a number of times, by the end of it I was certain our daughter's first words would be stupid boy penis," Derek laughed his laugh quickly turning into a sob as he realised that he would never get to hear her first word.

Addison reached out and rested her hand on his shoulder, her reluctance of the night before forgotten.

"Meredith and I both carry the gene," Derek whispered. "We didn't know, it wasn't until they discovered what was wrong with Imogen that they tested us, if we stayed together and if we ever felt strong enough to have children again there is a 1 in 4 chance of having a baby without Gauchers, a I in 4 chance of having a baby with Gauchers and a 2 in 4 chance in having a baby that carries that gene so we'd be living with a dark cloud over our future, how could we even contemplate putting another child through what our little girl had to endure."

Slowly Addison took a deep breath. "That doesn't mean that giving up in the easiest option."

"Before she died she went through so much, she was in and out of PICU, she arrested 3 times had seizures, respiratory distress she had test after test and she even had surgery, they were going to give her a tracheotomy but then the results came back and we couldn't put her through that when it wouldn't do anything to help her anyway," Derek breathed.

"You did everything you could," Addison reassured.

Derek's eyes were dark with a pain that only Meredith would understand. "We watched our little girl die and there was nothing we could do, we were falling apart while she was so brave, right up until hours before she died she still managed to smile but me … I was falling apart, my 7-month-old daughter showed more bravery in her short life than people 100 times her age do,"

Addison watched as Derek leaned his head in his hands and sobbed, he cried for the daughter he would never again hold and for the wife who he was losing too, he cried for himself and the pain he felt at losing his daughter but more than anything he cried for Imogen and the things she would never get to do.

Unable to cry anymore he looked up at Addison, his eyes swollen and red. "Is it alright if I stay here a little while?"

"Of course," Addison replied.

Standing up Derek made his way to the bottom of the stairs, he was just about to make his way up to bed when he turned to face her. "Thank you."

"For what?" Addison asked.

"For letting me talk about her, everyone else finds an excuse to change the subject but you didn't, I think I needed that," he told her.

Addison watched as he made his way slowly up the stairs. "I'm here whenever you feel like you need to talk some more," she promised him.

MD-MD-MD

Once Addison was certain Derek was asleep she made her way outside, sitting down she poured herself a glass of wine before opening her cell phone and dialling Mark's number.

"At least you're calling at a more reasonable hour this time," Mark said as soon as he picked up the phone.

Taking a sip of wine Addison couldn't help but smile, as she put the glass of wine down her expression turned to one of sorrow. "Derek told me about Imogen."

"Right," Mark breathed.

"You should have told me," Addison berated. "I didn't even know Meredith was pregnant let alone the that they had a daughter and that she had died."

Mark sat down on his black leather sofa. "It wasn't my tragedy to tell."

"A bit of a warning might have helped," Addison sighed.

"How is he?" Mark asked.

Addison took a large gulp of the dark red liquid. "He's a mess. How's Meredith?"

"Acting like nothing ever happened, the woman's a robot she's turned into some super human surgeon who eats, sleeps and breaths work," Mark told her.

"It's probably less painful than the alternative," Addison reasoned.

Mark nodded in agreement even though he knew Addison couldn't see him. "But sooner or later it's going to hit her and when it does Derek needs to be sober."

"He's only just about coping with the weight of his own grief you can't expect him to carry hers too," Addison told him.

"I don't but they need to deal with this together, I was there Addison I watched everything they went through, we all did and we say how much they loved each other and how they lived and breathed that little girl. We say how with the strength they pulled from each other they managed to find the strength to know that letting go was the last act of love they could show her and how that with each other they will learn to live again, first they just need to realise it," Mark explained.

Addison frowned pleased that he couldn't see her. "When did you become so insightful?"

"I didn't, I just have a good memory," Mark told her.

"So whose words of wisdom did you just regurgitate?" Addison asked.

Mark couldn't help but smile. "Izzie Stevens."

"Sounds about right," Addison said as she recalled the perky blondes penchant for inspirational speeches.

"She might be a nut job most of the time but the girl makes sense," Mark said. "Meredith and Derek need each other and they need to figure it out before next Friday."

Taking another sip of wine Addison held the wine glass in her hand watching as the liquid splashed gently inside the glass. "Why what's next Friday?"

"Imogen's first birthday," Derek said his voice stronger than he felt as he sat down next to Addison.

Addison turned to face him. "I thought you were asleep."

"Obviously," Derek smiled, a small ghost of a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I have to go," Addison said before hanging up the phone. Turning to Derek she watched as he eyed the nearly full bottle of wine. "You won't find the answer at the bottom."

Derek nodded. "I know."

"You need to go back to Seattle," Addison told him.

"Says who?" Derek asked.

"Me," Addison replied as she finished the wine that was left in her glass.

Derek watched as she moved the bottle away from him. "I mean who was on the phone. Izzie? Richard? George? Callie? Lexie? Cristina?"

"Actually it was Mark," Addison admitted.

"Wouldn't have been my first guess," Derek sighed as he listened to the sound of the ocean.

Addison leaned back against the chair. "Wasn't even in your top 6. Doesn't mean what he says isn't right."

"You mean what Isobel Stevens said," Derek smiled.

"How did you know?" Addison asked confused, there's no way he could have heard or he would have known it was Mark on the phone.

Derek leaned back against the chair almost mimicking her position. "Let's just say everyone's favourite plastic surgeon and everyone's favourite resident perky blonde have a little something going on."

"Never," Addison breathed, stunned by the little revelation.

"For at least a year now," Derek told her.

Addison sat forward bringing her mind back on track. "You need to go home Derek you and Meredith need to remember the day together. You're the only 2 people that matter."

"What I need is to watch my daughter put her face in her birthday cake but that's not going to happen and as Meredith is still happily living in denial I'm going to stay where I am and I am going to get very very drunk and hope that the pain doesn't kill me," Derek told her as he stood up and headed towards the beach, there was something about the sound of the ocean and feel of the water on his skin that for a few seconds made him forget.


	3. Rain

**_2. "A pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey, human kindness is overflowing and I think it's going to rain today."_**

Sitting on the bench outside of Seattle Grace hospital Meredith didn't care that she was getting wet, she didn't care that it was raining or that her scrubs were soaked completely through, the thunder didn't scare her and the lightening barely even registered on her senses as she stared straight ahead.

"Meredith?" Lexie asked as she sat down next to her.

Meredith turned to face her half-sister, for so long she had fought forming a relationship with her, but then she had become pregnant and everything had changed, family had become so much more important to her as she prepared to start her own. "Shouldn't you be on rounds?"

"Rounds finished hours ago," Lexie told her as she moved the umbrella so it was protecting both of them.

Meredith looked down at her watch. "I didn't realise I was out here that long."

"You should come back inside," Lexie suggested.

"Why?" Meredith asked.

Lexie shook her umbrella. "Because it's raining."

"It was raining the day she was born," Meredith whispered.

Looking out at the rain Lexie didn't know what to say, Meredith hadn't spoken of her daughter since the day of the funeral and even then she barely uttered 2 words, for the past 4 months it had been like Imogen had never existed, that for 7 months they hadn't all been affected by the tiny life that fought so hard to be a part of their world.

"I remember," Lexie smiled.

Shaking her head Meredith tried to clear the image of her newborn daughter from her mind, she had tried so hard to move on and leave the pain behind but lately it was becoming impossible, everywhere she went she found herself being reminded of her daughter and the 7 months she had her in her life.

"You're soaking wet," Lexie pointed out.

Meredith shrugged. "I'm still alive though."

"I … God this is so not my area," Lexie muttered. "It should be Izzie or George or anyone but me."

"To do what?" Meredith asked, her eyes glazed.

Lexie sighed loudly. "It doesn't matter I'm just rambling."

"I wonder if it's raining where Derek is," Meredith said as she opened her hand trying to catch the rain in it, each time a drop would land in her hand it slipped right through her fingers.

"I doubt it," Lexie replied. "From what I hear the weather is pretty great is Santa Monica."

Meredith turned her attention back to Lexie. "How do you know he's in Santa Monica?"

"Mark told me," Lexie admitted.

"And how does Mark know that Derek is in Santa Monica?" Meredith asked.

Knowing that she couldn't lie Lexie closed her umbrella, they were already wet so there wasn't really much point to keeping it up. "Because he's been crashing at Andrea's no I mean Adinson's."

"You mean Addison's," Meredith corrected.

"That's it," Lexie said as she recognised the name.

Meredith tried not let herself wonder why of all the places he could have gone he chose to go to her. "That's good, at least he has a friendly face."

"If you asked him to he would come back," Lexie assured her.

"Why would I want him to come back?" Meredith asked.

Lexie looked down at the ground. "Because he's your husband and he should be here."

"I don't need him," Meredith insisted.

"Maybe not but surely it will be easier with him here, he was her father," Lexie said not wanting to push Meredith, it was a huge step that she was even acknowledging her daughter.

Meredith had been trying so hard not to think about what Friday was. "He's better off where he is."

"You don't really believe that," Lexie breathed as she played nervously with the handle of her umbrella.

"Yes I do," Meredith sighed as she stood up and made her way into the hospital.

GA-GA-GA

Entering the apartment Cristina was surprised to find Meredith sat on the couch in the dark, a blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders as she stared ahead at the blank TV screen.

"Meredith," she called as she cautiously approached her friend.

Meredith didn't even appear to acknowledge her presence instead she continued to stare straight ahead at the TV seeing something that no one else could.

"Look I'm not the one to say the right thing that's Tinkerbelle's job but I feel like I should be saying something because you're clearly not and now I'm rambling which isn't me so I'll shut up," Cristina said as she sat down next to Meredith.

For half-an-hour they sat like that until Cristina couldn't stand the silence anymore, reaching out she brushed Meredith's hair out of her face shocked to find it so warm. "You're burning up."

Still Meredith didn't say anything, instead she just sat there looking straight ahead of her into nothingness.

"Mer please just talk to me," Cristina pleaded.

Slowly Meredith turned to face her person. "I don't feel so good."

"You don't look so good either," Cristina observed.

Leaning forward Meredith coughed, a loud chesty cough that caused her whole body to convulse. "Maybe sitting in the rain wasn't such a good idea."

"Sounds like you have pneumonia," Cristina told her.

"Maybe it will kill me," Meredith whispered as she turned her attention back to what she was looking at before.

Cristina turned to face her friend shocked by what she was hearing. "You don't really mean that."

Meredith could feel her hands shaking. "Yes I do."

"Mer-"

"There's nothing left for me here," Meredith told her.

Cristina shook her head. "Yes there is you have your career you're a kick ass surgeon and you have friends, you have a sister and you have me."

"But she's not here is she." Meredith cried allowing herself to open herself up to the pain for the first time in months.

"No," Cristina agreed, what she had seen her friends go through had broken through her shell in a way she thought impossible, she'd even allowed herself to cry in front of other people as she had watched the tiny white coffin get carried into the church.

Meredith looked at the blank TV screen. "I just want to hold her again and tell her I'm sorry that she died, that I'm sorry I couldn't save her, I just want to die at least then I'll get to see her again."

Cristina watched as Meredith got to her feet, her whole body shaking as the blanket dropped from around her shoulders to reveal the small pink sleep-suit clutched tightly in her hands.

Cristina watched as Meredith's whole body began to shake, reaching out she put her arms around her waist as her knees buckled from under her. As she held her close to her she could feel her whole body shaking beneath her. An ear piercing scream broke through the air as gut wrenching sobs escaped her best friend's lips, causing her to hold her tighter.

Meredith heard the scream too, only it sounded distant as if she was under water listening to it. She could feel Cristina's arms tightly around her waist as she lowered her to the ground and held her tightly, she wanted to be able to stand up, brush the creases from her clothes and apologise for making a scene but she couldn't, she was being held prisoner by her own emotions as they all rushed to the surface after months of being ignored.

The months she had spent trying to leave the pain behind and get on with her life suddenly meant nothing as she found herself unable to breath, suddenly all that mattered was Imogen and that she wasn't here. She couldn't breath without feeling a stab of pain as she realised that for every breath she took her daughter would never take another. Rocking back and forth she held the soft pink fabric to her face, it smelt like baby talk and shampoo and as she closed her eyes she could picture the last time Imogen had worn it, it had been the day the diagnosis had been confirmed and Imogen had been extubated after she had nearly pulled her own tube out.

"I want my baby," Meredith sobbed finding it difficult to catch her breath. "I need my little girl."

Not knowing what else to do Cristina held her friend tight until exhausted and sick Meredith cried herself to sleep, taking a cushion from the couch Cristina placed it under her head before covering her with a blanket, standing up she watched as even in her sleep Meredith looked pained as she held the pink sleep-suit close to her heart.

Walking over to the table next to the couch Cristina picked the phone up of it's cradle, dialling the number for the hospital she asked to be put through to Mark.

As she listened to the annoying music that was supposed to calm people Cristina ignored the urge to throw the phone threw the window.

"Mark Sloane," came the gruff voice of the acting head of surgery.

"You need to call Derek," Cristina ordered.

Mark immediately recognised the bossy tone of Cristina Yang. "And why do I need to do that?"

"Because Meredith needs him," Cristina told him.

"What's happened?" Mark asked.

Cristina looked down at her friend. "Her daughter is dead. Derek needs to be here."

"Imogen died months ago," Mark reminded her.

"I know," Cristina sighed. "But Meredith's broken, she's sobbing and talking about wanting to die, she wants to be with her and she's sick, I think she has pneumonia and I'm scared and Derek he's the only one that will be able to put her together again and he's not here so you need to tell him to come back," Cristina rambled, something she seemed to find herself doing a lot lately.

Mark could hear the frustration and helplessness in the young doctors voice. "I'll call him."

"Thank-you," Cristina smiled as she hung up the phone.

Taking the other cushion from the couch Cristina laid down next to her friend pulling the blanket so it was over both of them she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, knowing that sleeping of the floor wouldn't be easy but she didn't want Meredith to wake up alone.

MD-MD-MD

Derek sat at the table the phone held tightly in his hands as he replayed the conversation with Mark over and over in his head.

"Who was that on the phone?" Addison asked.

Derek looked up from the table. "Mark."

"What did he want?" Addison wondered.

"He says that I'm needed back in Seattle, Meredith's sick she has pneumonia and apparently she had a meltdown last night, according to Cristina she wanted to die so she could be with Imogen," Derek whispered, his voice breaking.

Addison sat down opposite him. "You need to go home."

"What if she doesn't want me?" Derek asked.

"She wants you and more than that she needs you, even if she's not ready to admit it yet," Addison assured him.

Derek nodded, standing up from the couch. "Then I guess I'm going back to Seattle."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Addison asked.

Slowly Derek shook his head. "No but thank you for everything, I don't think I would be able to do what I'm doing now if it wasn't for you."

"That's what friends are for," Addison reminded him as he left to go and pack his things, he hadn't expected Meredith to fall apart so quickly, he had expected her to spend longer in the land of denial before finally letting her guard down and allowing herself to cry over the death of her daughter. And then when it happened he had hoped to be there and the fact that he wasn't with her pained him.

Loading his bag into the car he prepared for the long drive back to Seattle, when he had left he had known what he was leaving behind; shattered pieces of a broken life. But now as he headed back he had no idea what was waiting for him.


	4. Hurt

4.

Sitting on the rope swing that Derek had assembled while the house was still being built Meredith couldn't help but smile as she remembered the last time they were here as a family, despite the overwhelming grief of the moment, the feeling of having her daughter in her arms, being able to look into her eyes and see her smile somehow made the pain feel like a distant memory.

Closing her eyes she could almost hear the gurgling sounds of her daughter as she tried to speak way before her time, the dimpled smile that lit up her eyes was forever imprinted on her mind and the tiny pink birthmark that sat just below her belly button was forever burnt on her heart.

She wanted to be able to get on with her life and be the fantastic surgeon that everyone knew she was, but she couldn't, being a mother had come to her so much easier than she had ever dreamed. Every day of her pregnancy was filled with fears and tears that she would fail the tiny life growing inside her, that because of her own insecurities the young innocent child would grow up to be dark and twisty.

The minute she had held Imogen in her arms though all those fears had melted away. She had taken to motherhood easier than anyone had predicted surprising everyone, but no one was more surprised than her as to how her life changed the minute Imogen entered it. All of a sudden she was seeing things differently and instead of looking at the world through the eyes of a child abandoned by her parents she was seeing the world from a mother's perspective and for the first time was seeing everything she had to offer.

It also made her see Derek in a new light and gave her marriage a fresh breath of life and allowed her to completely let go and fall in love with him; no holding back and no restrictions, just love.

And is if he heard his name upon her heart Derek appeared at her side. "Cristina said I would find you here."

"I … I thought you left me," she whimpered her voice nothing more than a broken whimper.

Sitting down on the log bench opposite her Derek shook his head. "I've always been here, I was just waiting for you to want me here."

"You went to California," she sniffed.

"But I came back," he pointed out.

Meredith looked down at ground beneath her feet, all the grass had been worn away by years of use. "You left me."

"It wasn't you I left," Derek assured her.

"Then what?" Meredith asked.

Derek looked up at her and the minute his eyes connected with hers he saw their daughter reflected in the sparkling green. "I left behind someone that looked like my wife, sounded like my wife but wasn't my wife, I didn't leave you because you weren't here Mer, you left me long before I went to California."

"I was here," Meredith whispered.

"No you weren't," Derek countered.

Meredith looked through the tress at the house that they had built together. "I had just lost me daughter."

"She was my daughter too," Derek reminded her.

Still staring ahead at the house Meredith didn't even try to stop the tears that fell down her face. "I know."

"I was trying so hard to be there for you but I was grieving too, Imogen was my little girl and I was her daddy, I was meant to always protect her, to protect you and I couldn't, she died and there was nothing I could do to save her and I couldn't just sit back and watch as I lost you too," Derek cried.

"I wanted to, really I did want to I just couldn't," Meredith hiccupped trying to remember to breath.

"Wanted to what?" Derek asked.

Tearing her gaze away from the house Meredith looked down at the pink sleep suit in her hand. "I wanted to get through it with you, I wanted us to cry together, to grieve together."

"Then why didn't you let me in?" Derek needed to know.

"Because letting you in meant that I had to let myself feel what living without her was like and when I tried I couldn't breath, I couldn't move I couldn't do anything because it hurt oh God it hurt so much … being without her it … oh God Derek … she's gone … our baby … she's … Ginny …"

At the sound of the nickname that he had affectionately bestowed upon her Derek could no longer keep his distance from her, standing up he walked towards the swing and pulled her into his arms, lowering both their bodies to the floor he held her close to him.

"Shh," he soothed into her hair as he smelt the familiar scent of baby shampoo that had filled their home and hearts for 7 months.

"She's gone," Meredith sobbed, her voice full of pain that only Derek could understand. "Our baby girl has gone."

Holding her closer to him Derek felt his heart break all over again. "I know."

"I just want to hold her … to cuddle her and to make her alright … I just want her back," Meredith cried as she struggled to catch her breath.

"Breath," Derek instructed. "You need to breath."

Frantically Meredith shook her head. "No. No breathing, it hurts too much, breathing won't help … I … please …"

"I'm here," Derek assured her.

"I need my baby," Meredith wheezed.

Derek was scared that she was going to have a full blown panic attack and start hyperventilating. "Please Mer breath for me."

"Derek," she cried.

"I'm here," he repeated as if it had become his mantra.

Taking a large mouthful of air to ease her aching lungs Meredith looked up at him her green eyes cloaked with pain. "She's really gone."

"I know," he cried any hope that he had of remaining strong for Meredith disappeared as he contemplated how hard it was to continue living in this world without her.

Finally regaining control of her breathing Meredith pulled away from Derek, wiping the tears from her eyes she looked up at him and as blue eyes met green they were united in their grief over the loss of a life that although gone would forever be with them. "How are we supposed to move on without her. I need you to tell me because I've tried and I can't and most days I just want to die so that I can be with her and I know that's wrong but living without her is so hard and it hurts so much."

Leaning forward Derek placed a gentle kiss on Meredith's lips as she stopped talking and instead just sat there looking more broken than he had even seen her look.

"I don't know," he admitted because right now he was making it through by taking one step at a time and even that was taking more strength than he had.

GA-GA-GA

Derek was beginning to get worried as the sky got darker and the temperature dropped further, closing his eyes he tried to block out the horrible wheezing sound that came from Meredith every time she coughed, he wanted to be able to stay there and just hold her but he knew that for the sake of her health he had to get her into the warm.

"Meredith," Derek whispered into her ear.

"Mmm," Meredith moaned as she moved awakening the ache that had settled in all her limbs.

Running his hands through her hair Derek tried to gently coax her awake. "Meredith you need to get up off the ground, it's getting cold and you are already sick."

"Derek, sleepy," she yawned as she leaned further into him.

Realising that he was fighting a losing battle and that she probably needed all the sleep she was getting Derek stood up, lifting her weight with ease.

Nestling her head into his shoulder Meredith ignored the brief interruption into her sleep and let him carry her inside. Once in the house Derek ignored all the memories that came with being back again and instead concentrated all his energies on the woman in his arms.

Walking up the stairs he entered the bedroom that they had designed and decorated together it was also the same bedroom in which they had consummated the marriage and then a year later in which Imogen had been conceived and the rug over by the dresser sat in the same spot that Meredith's waters had broken 9 months later.

Laying her down he walked over to the dresser and removed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, he slowly undressed her taking off her damp clothes and putting on the dry comfy clothes that she had practically lived in towards the end of her pregnancy.

He was just about to leave when she reached out and grabbed him her fingers tightening around his wrist. "Stay," she pleaded.

Nodding Derek waited for her grip on his wrist to slacken before undressing and pulling on a pair pf pyjama bottoms before climbing into the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her he couldn't help but smile at how her body still fit so perfectly into his even after months apart.

"Derek," Meredith whispered into the darkness.

"Yes?" Derek replied.

Closing her eyes Meredith felt her skin tingle at the feel of his breath on her neck. "Do you think we'll ever be alright again?"

"I hope so," Derek answered.

"Me too," Meredith added.

Derek inhaled her scent. "I know we'll always miss her and never forget her but I love you Meredith, I loved you before I knew you and I don't want to live with this pain without you, I know that sounds selfish but you make it alright, it will always be there but while I have you I can live with it."

"I love you too," Meredith assured him. "And I really want us to be alright not just for our sakes but for Ginny's too, she fought so hard to live so we owe it to her to do the same. But Derek …"

Derek waited for her to continue but she didn't. "What is it?" he asked.

"I want to be a mother, having Imogen in my life made me realise that I'm good at it, being a mother was something I never thought I would want but now it's all I want, I love being a surgeon and I love being your wife but being her mother was what made me … it taught me to live," Meredith admitted.

Resting his hand on her hip Derek could here the birds waking up outside the window. "We could try again … for another child."

"But we both carry the gene," Meredith reminded him.

"I know," Derek sighed painfully.

Meredith closed her eyes. "I can't go through that again."

"We might not have to," Derek reasoned. "There's only a 1 in 4 chance that a child we have will have Gauchers."

"But they could still be a carrier," Meredith added.

Derek nodded against the pillow. "Well that's a bridge we'll cross when we come to it, if they are a carrier then the likelihood of them falling in love with someone else that carries the gene is highly unlikely."

"I know," Meredith agreed.

"We've been through the worst experience anyone can have we deserve to hope Meredith," Derek insisted.

Entwining her fingers with his Meredith could almost feel his heart beating against her. "I'm scared of hoping."

"I'm scared too but I know it's going to alright, we're going to be alright," Derek told her.

"How can you se so certain?" Meredith asked.

Derek kissed her on he back of the head. "Because I love you."


End file.
